Today, we start the mono-eating days. I will be doing 3 days of mono-eating this time. On the mono-eating days, we eat a simple kitcheri 3 times per day. Yes, that means kitchari for breakfast. You can have the steamed greens, the coriander & basil chutney and the beetroot buzz for lunch and dinner. I was put off the steamed greens and beetroot as my pitta aggravated. That’s the wonderful part about doing the cleanse with a team; you get help and advice on your individual symptoms.
I also got go ahead to have some warm coconut water, so it was the perfect excuse to go to the beach, especially I’ve been feeling full of energy. I reached the beach happy. However while walking on the beach alone, surrounded by people, families, couples, young parents, I suddenly felt something. Something that has been hiding deeply and something that did not want to reveal itself. I am feeling alone, not sad alone, but alone. This feeling is not new; I recognised this feeling. I’ve felt it so many times over the years in my love life. He was never here. I always had to do stuffs like these alone. I used to tell myself it is the independent woman in me. I am not saying I am not proud. I am. But I should not have felt so normal in that feeling of aloneness, cause I had someone. Before dating, he was always here. Always. Once we became official, he disappeared in his world. The friends that I never met, the activities that he did not involve me in, and the life that he did not include me. Some warned me that he likes his world way too much, that I need to be ready for this commitment of him never being around. I clearly remember my answer, “No, he isn’t like this with me, he shares his world with me.” How naive I was!
I had a wonderful time by myself on the beach after this. The coconut water, the sun, the sand, tanning session, my book (The Book of Joy), quick swim, salty hair, salty skin! Exactly what I love!
But the way back was rough, very emotional. I cried after months. A lot of whys, hows, whats. A lot of questions. A lot of wishes.
This came out of it:
You said it warms your heart to see me enjoying my journey
I wish you took the time to see beneath my sunglasses and into my eyes
I wish you took the time to see behind my fake smile
I wish you took the time to ask if I am enjoying it
But it doesn’t matter what I wish
It doesn’t matter that at every dance, I wish you were the one next to me
It doesn’t matter that it kills me not to share this with you
It doesn’t matter because you are sharing yours with another
As you always did
So it never mattered
-Does it warm your heart to see my soul crushed
But also understanding: You failed me; I failed you.
There is something powerful about crying and writing it down right away. I’ve been doing the Rupi Kaur book “Healing with words”. It has been the best purchase this quarter. I am not done completely with all the exercises, but I feel like I’ve received what I needed from it and can move on. Now I literally stop everything when I feel like writing. I just write in the Notes app, it is currently full with poems. I felt a lot better after this and slept soundly after months.
Mono-eating continues. I’ve truly been loving it. The simplicity of the food helps you to build a deeper connection with yourself. Yesterday’s break down was necessary in order to have the meditative mind this morning. My meditation was explosive and healing on another level. I truly surrendered and accepted what I can hold and what I need to leave at “the feet” of God. Crying in a meditative state is beyond what I can describe. It is healing, grounding and reparative to your heart and soul. My heart opened up, as it’s been closed for months. I had walls up to protect my heart from the bads. Now I surrender.
I surrender our souls’ bond at your feet
For it is too heavy for me to hold
I know you gave me the responsibility of this bond
I apologize for leaving it at your feet
But, at your feet, it will be honored and cherished like it deserves
With me, it is too heavy and unloved
At your feet, our souls’ bond will be celebrated and loved.
-surrender at your feet
The rest of the day held the energy of the meditation. It will take time for the complete effect to be felt, but I feel lighter already.