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Journal: Just a note…

Updated: May 23, 2023

As the scheduled post go online, all I can think about is how far I feel from it. The past 24 hours have been a journey. From the stress of paying for my broken laptop to hearing about the little angel leaving us.

I haven't felt an anxiety attack in a year. Precisely a year! My last anxiety attack was February 2022. This morning was like "Hey, remember me, Shweta"

Yesterday feels surreal, one minute I was complaining about how much the repairs of my dear laptop are going to cost me or how much a new one will cost, and the next I was picking up the phone to my sobbing friend. I didn't have to ask; I just knew. We were waiting for the news all week long, but that did not make it any easier.

Today, I sat with my anxiety. What did I do to create this reaction?

I got the news in public, infront of someone who could have very easily informed x of a meltdown and I didn't want x to find out. So I kept my composure. I was untrue to myself by not letting myself be. All I wanted to do was sit, cry and pray for this sweet angel. I prayed but I didn't let my emotions out.

The moment the person left, I sat on the curb and melted into myself, shaking because I held myself way too well and my body was confused. I still kept controlling myself.

Little did I know, the said person will come back a minute later, see me sitting on the ground.

What did I do?

Wiped my tears, stood up and shook it off.

Biggest mistake.

2nd biggest mistake.

I got home and never meditated to calm my nervous system and heart.

Numbing my feelings and emotions is what led me to a morning filled with heaviness and anxiety attacks. However I could have prevented it if I took time last night to meditate and ground myself.

I know why I cared for x not finding out; I never want x to worry about me. I understand myself for it. But - was it worth the anxiety attack? No. No. No.

So today, I sat with myself. I apologized for prioritizing someone else over me and letting my (sadness) emotions take control over me.

How many times do you do this to yourself?

How many times do you close yourself to your true self?

Breathe. Meditate. Do affirmations. Move. Take care of yourself.

All this to say, let's not be to afraid to be real human beings with emotions.

Let's be vulnerable, raw and honest.

Life is way too short. Tell them you love them.

Hug them. Can't meet, make it happen.

Laugh. Smile. Take in every moment.

Life can change in a second. A phone call, a text can change your life.

Appreciate every moment. Be kind and graceful with yourself.

I love you, whether I know you or not. I love you.

I leave you with this meditation:

Until I can have one of my own meditation videos.. daydreaming 😶‍🌫️

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